Not too deep

Do things ever get really hard for you? I mean you struggle on a day to day basis trying to stay positive and happy. I read an article in Self magazine recently where Miranda Kerr said, "Happiness is a choice we make." I have been trying to live by this. But for some reason I keep getting thrown curve balls. I wake up with a positive outlook, and the day brings me down. I am beginning to realize that maybe this is not the life that is meant for me. Maybe the choices I made brought me to this place, and I am feeling this way because I am lost. This is not the place I am meant to be. Over the last year I have reflected a lot on who I am, and what choices I make from here on out. Thinking that maybe I could shift the way I feel. I fear that I might have failed. I still feel lost, overwhelmed with stress, and anxiety. I do not give up easily and so I will continue to press forward and make what changes I can so that my disposition is better, but I wonder when I will break. At what point do I get so tired of always trying that I just give up. (Again not in my nature.) It seems that, "life is what you make it." was right after all. It is in my hands what happens next. I have exhausted my family and friends. They have heard my complaints over and over again.

I will admit that things do seem to be changing. But I feel like the words I use to express that are the only change so far. One of my goals was to buy a fuel efficient vehicle and I did do that. That seems like a silly change but it was much needed. I am so desperate for something positive and to be happy. Not all the time but 75% of the time maybe. It might sound like I am just in a funk, but when I reflect even as far back as High School. I have sabotaged myself for as long as I can remember. I guess the question I have to ask now is, is it me? What more can I do? I have so much going that is positive but it gets overshadowed by all the yucky negative stuff. How do I make the bright happy stuff shine through all the bad stuff. I want to be sincere about life and how I feel. Not acting like things are okay I want them to actually be okay. Until then....

There is one thing that will make me smile no matter what.