I feel like sometimes I am just not understood. Maybe it is that I am not explaining myself well, or maybe I don't feel things like others do. Or does everyone feel things differently. I am so confused and conflicted that I can barely write this post. I know how things make me feel, and I don't think I am confusing when I explain myself. My desire I guess is that others would have the patience and desire to want to understand me, maybe even sympathize. Not sympathize, but relate. EXACTLY relate! I am a very compassionate person, and I am very patient when trying to understand others. I guess I would just like the same in return. I would like nothing more on this earth but for everyone in my family to be happy. I know that is a hard task to accomplish but it is my desire.
I try to do everything I can to make sure that the environment that we all live in pleasant {which is a lot of work}, that they have everything they want {that I am capable of giving them}, and that at the end of the day everyone is relaxed, and well HAPPY. It is my number one goal.
If there were more that I could do I would do it without hesitation. I don't think that there will ever be a limit to how much I can give. If there were I would ignore it. In return, I am not asking for the equivalent of this. No way! I know that this kind of dedication takes a special kind of person. Totally understood. Hell, I am not even asking for half. I just want someone to get me. Know what I am trying to say and understand it, without me trying to explain it in four different ways. This has been an ongoing problem. I don't know if it is "normal". I do know that it makes me feel very inadequate. I am in a sort of limbo between feeling great and feeling just so so. It is a hurdle that I thought I could figure out myself. I thought I could just change the way I see things, or even think. I am too a point where that is not working, and the problem still persists. A lot has changed in the past 6 years regarding my personality. I am less argumentative. Don't get this wrong I still argue, I am just better at picking my battles. It is really hard. I am passionate about a lot in life. I have very strong opinions that I have learned to suppress. I have become angrier. I think that comes with having a teenager. The frustration is unbearable sometimes. My husband will understand me on this one.
Even with everything that I have changed, and those changes were not easy. I am still working on them daily. I am still in this situation. I guess I thought that making myself more passive would make this easier too. I was way wrong. I admit that sometimes I am selfish, and overbearing, maybe even a little controlling. These things do affect the way that I am perceived, and maybe......understood? Could they?
I have faults like everyone else. I think the difference is that I am able to admit them. When I am arguing with someone, and I am sure that I am right, I interrupt them while they are speaking so I can get my points in. Fault. I tend to tune people out when they are talking about something that does not interest me, or that I have heard 10 times already. Fault. I am easily stressed out and not quiet about it, so I usually end up stressing everyone around me out. Fault. The kicker... I am needy, I often feel like everyone around me gets lots of attention and I do not. I am only looking for attention from one very important person. Fault.
There it is on a silver platter. I know who I am, and the person I want to be. Everyday I am working towards being her. The conflict is, how am I supposed to be that person around someone who is constantly questioning who I am. Someone, who when I have discussions with doesn't seem to want to understand or hear my point of view. Who doesn't care about the way things are said and how they might affect others.
I used to say a while back, "That I can't control the way you feel, that's on you". I see now that this is a cop out. This is a way to avoid taking responsibility for the words you speak. The reality is that your words have the ability to hurt someone. Make them feel insecure and unwanted. You have to recognize the power that your words can have over someone. I need to do more of this as well. "Think about what you say before you say it." That is what my mother always said, and it could not be more true. I was pretty immature for thinking that I was not at fault for making someone feel bad. I take the blame for that one.
People can think things and feel things, but if those feelings and thoughts have the ability to hurt someone you love isn't it better that they not be said. What good comes out of hurting someone, unless your intention is to hurt them. I have probably said things or done things to hurt someone unintentionally. I am sorry. I have no problem apologizing for the way that I made someone feel, I would never let my pride get in the way of understanding the way I made someone feel. My thoughts are better off being kept to myself at that point. I don't want to make anyone's life more challenging, or make someone's day more aggravating. I don't want to be the root of problem.
I am willing to do anything, ANYTHING for my family, and I love unconditionally. I am literally there through the thick and the thin, the good and the bad. As far as I am concerned there are no other options. I want a partner in all this. I want to be a part of a supportive team. I want the willingness to be understood.
I would not call this inspirational. It is far from. It is informative. I hope that it is UNDERSTOOD.
I admit that this is a bunch of rambling. I am currently feeling inadequate, and like I don't matter much. No sympathy wanted here, just understanding. Life often gets in the way of thinking sometimes. We get stressed out or overwhelmed and those emotions take over our frame of mind. Leaving little regard for others. Truth. This disregard actually makes life more difficult. There is no worse feeling, than feeling alone is all the struggles.
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